We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
