Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
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