WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
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