I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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