So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
he asked if thats how we do it in the states..like there's cultural difference in fucking between canada and the us..
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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