The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Randomize
