what day is it and did you see me today?
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
