where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
