My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
