before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
