Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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