Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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