i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
