Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
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