Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
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