Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
barbara walters just said penis...
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
