Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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