That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Randomize
