Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Randomize
