Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize