at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Randomize
