Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
