Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Randomize
