I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
