Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
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