his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
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