oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
