Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Randomize
