I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Randomize
