Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
