Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Watching her eat just hurts me
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
I touched a dick in church today
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
