Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I just sucked dick on a ferry
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
