I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize