I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize
