Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Randomize
