that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
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