i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
