we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
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