Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
