Is it weird that we showed each other our pussy's and pointed out the good and bad things about each others??
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
