I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
