I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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