I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
My life is pants optional.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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