when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Randomize
