i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
