White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
he's single and there are thong briefs.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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