does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
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