great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
