i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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