I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
