She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
