did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
