Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
These tits shall not be calmed
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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