So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Randomize
