I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Randomize
