I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
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