I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
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