Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Randomize
