:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
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