when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
