So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
