i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
