I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
3 2 1 whiskey
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
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